i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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