Heybabeimwearingurpanties
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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