I just pynch a tree in the face
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
