and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
