I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
