i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
