It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Randomize
