We named our party play list daddy issues
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
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