He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
