If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
