direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
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