I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
