But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
