i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
