I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
3 2 1 whiskey
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
