Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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