The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
