R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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