My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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