how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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