where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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