You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
