I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
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$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
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I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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