It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
