Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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