ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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