Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
