you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
