I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
