I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
