wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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