Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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