I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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