Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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