you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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