I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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