wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
