we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
