I hope mine doesn't look like that
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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