you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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