cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Randomize
