So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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