we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
