It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
