My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
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