Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Randomize
