If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
