I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
