I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
