Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
