Please, let me fuck your mom
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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