I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
