My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
