Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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