I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
