I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
