We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
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Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
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Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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